How to Tie a Windsor Knot

November 4, 2011 by cynick | Posted in mundanities

Step 1: Learn that a dear friend’s father has not-too-unexpectedly passed away.

Step 2: Spend several days laboring under the delusion that lone remaining suit in closet, having gone unworn for nearly a decade, will be sufficient clothing for the funeral.

Step 3: At the eleventh hour, snap out of said delusion, and realize that said suit was worn for a wedding, and is actually quite ostentatious, and then race to a men’s clothing store and proclaim to the clerk, “I need what could only be called: A Funeral Suit!”

Step 4: Try on one suit coat, say you like it, be told, “We don’t want you to go away unhappy!”, try another coat, utter, “Mmm hmm, this one’s nice too,” hear, “Okay, try the other again”; reply, more firmly this time, “Yeah, I’ll take the first one.”

Step 5: Flat out say you want a simple, no-nonsense white shirt. No blue. No burgundy.

Step 6: Repeat Step 4, but this time with a pair of ties, conveniently pre-knotted.

Step 7: Purchase all, and have a nice dinner to congratulate yourself.

Step 8: Wake up very late the following morning, start getting dressed, and see that the bastards at the store, who claimed to be so concerned with your happiness, and who must have gleaned your general unease with formal dress, based on the shambles of the outfit you were wearing when you entered the store, had decided to unknot the oh-so conveniently pre-knotted tie.

You will have to tie your own tie, for the first time in many many years!

Step 9: Start swearing loudly.

Step 10: Search for a howto video on YouTube and click the first result.

Step 11: The video will have had several million views, so patiently watch pre-roll ad while looking at bedside clock and screaming.

Step 12: (repeat until tie is tied) a) Pull.. the wide end.. so.. that.. it.. is.. 12“.. longer.. than.. narrow.. end. b) Now! Pull-through-and-around-and-to-the-right-and-back-around-so-that-tie-is-upsidedown! c) ?????? d) And finally, pull.. wide.. end.. down.. through.. front.. and.. carefully.. tighten.. knot.

You did it!

Step 13: Realize that, even though a miracle has just occurred, the wide end is almost ridiculously short, but also realize that another miracle is not likely to occur, at least not in the next few minutes, so, leave it as is and sprint out the door. Make sure to keep your top button buttoned the whole time so that nobody can mock your poor dressing ability.

Drive carefully! And make sure not to forget everything you’ve learned, so that ten years from now, you won’t have to go through this again!